Wednesday 15 May 2013

Driver's guide

Herewith my Guide to Driving in Maputo:
  1. Adjust your speed to fit the amount of potholes in the road
  2. If the potholes are severe on your side of the road - drive on the other side. Show your annoyance at any oncoming traffic that expresses surprise and/or anger at your decision.
  3. If the potholes are severe on both sides of the road, drive on the edge of the road. Note, you may drive slowly on the edge of the road if there is a child there. Otherwise, regular hooting is required. (Pedestrians have legs, don't they?)
  4. Drive as fast as possible between potholes. Swerve wildly as necessary.
  5. Chapas (mini-bus taxis) have the right stop dead in front of you to off-load passengers. Any accidents will be your fault as you should have expected this behaviour.
  6. A chapa has the right to overtake at speed and then pull in in front of you to load/offload passengers. (Well, they ARE in a hurry).
  7. Do not, under any circumstances leave a gap between yourself and the car ahead - you wouldn't want another driver to take advantage
  8. When approaching a drive-way or intersection where a car is waiting to turn, remember to speed up
  9. If waiting in a drive-way or intersection in a queue, remember to hoot loudly regardless of whether the driver in the front has the opportunity to move or not.
  10. Occasionally you might establish your superiority as a driver by speeding down the inside of the turning lane and turning on the  inside of the car at the front of the queue who is waiting to turn
  11. When approaching a bend or a narrowing of the road, be sure to speed up - you don't want any oncoming traffic to get there first
  12. If there is a large oncoming vehicle which clearly needs extra space to pass, be sure to wedge the nose of your vehicle into the centre of the road. The truck driver should have known better. You may lean out of the window and gesticulate wildly.
  13. There is no apparant need to belt your children into the car. Six free range children on the backseat proves your competence as a driver. Even better, have one small child climb between the front and the back while you are driving.
  14. Feel free to stop at any point to chastise said children.
  15. Above all, drive assertively. Maputo roads have no space for wimps